My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
