Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
