I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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