how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Randomize
