I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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