halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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