So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
