The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
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It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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