he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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