Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
