actually, I'm a sock model
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
