I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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