The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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