I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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