I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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