i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
