Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
