How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
