The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
