I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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