I just pynch a tree in the face
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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