Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
