my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
