um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
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the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
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You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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