the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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