If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
