Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
