I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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