Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
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I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
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I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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