omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
