Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
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I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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