This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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