I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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