woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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