Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
