i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
did you just send me my own nude
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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