i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
where are you?
Hypothermia
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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