I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
