she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
