The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
