i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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