youre lurking in front of me
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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