oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
