I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Dignity is for republicans.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
