that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
