i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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