dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the day after is always just damage control
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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