from now on my penis is your penis
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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