If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
