paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she woke up with a sticky ear
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
