woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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