I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
