The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
