I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
