I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
