I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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