A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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