thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
